


Death

by Secoura



Series: 100 Stories for the 100 Themes Challenge [1]
Category: Grimm (TV)
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-18 22:31:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5945715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Secoura/pseuds/Secoura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Most people are afraid of dying...Sean's reasons are just a little different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sometimes, Sean Renard manages to get through an entire day without thinking about it. _It_ being the entity that had been inside him. It's name wasn't Jack; that was just what it had come to be called after the most famous of its killing sprees in London. He never gets through a night without thinking about it.

Sometimes, flashes of memories that are not his come to the surface. Memories of places he has never seen, people he has never met, and blood that he has never spilled. These memories are as clear as if they were his own but he knows that they are not his. He knows this because he remembers details – signs, speech, conversations – that tell him these memories took place long, long ago, centuries past, he knows that they are not his memories.

They are becoming his memories, though, because he can feel and taste the flesh and blood of the women he sees dying beneath his hands. He dreads when he sees the women that he knows died beneath his hands in Portland because the memories of women he knows he did not kill are too much to bear already.

The absolute worst part is the memories that are his own. Finding himself lying face down in the street, being handcuffed and put in the back of a patrol car like a criminal, and not knowing why. The look of terror on Wu's face and wondering if something more than a wild car ride had happened because after all that Wu had gone through when he saw the _Aswang_ , he was sure it would take more than what Wu had said happened to make the Sergeant look that terrified while pointing a gun at him in the spice shop. No, it was not _just a precaution, sir_ that had Wu pointing a gun at him as Nick removed the handcuffs.

They all look at him differently now. No matter how many times he hears _it wasn't you_ , he sees _it was you!_ in their eyes. Pinning the murders on Kenneth should have felt better but he almost wishes that Kenneth had killed him that night because the people who matter know the truth. Surely they question if the entity is really gone or just gone deeper into his soul to better hide. He is certain they question this because he still questions it. With each flash of memory that isn't his, he grows more certain that _it_ is still inside him, plotting and waiting and taunting him. He's never been one to let other people get close enough to know the truth and it had felt good for the little while that it lasted. He'll never have that again because they don't trust him the way they did before. Wu was probably the only one of them that trusted him completely because he didn't know all the things he'd done when Nick first became a Grimm.  That Nick hadn't told the Sergeant about all of that spoke volumes as to the kind of person Nick Burkhardt was. Wu now hesitated to be in Sean's presence. It was just a tiny hesitation, barely noticeable if you weren't paying close attention, but Sean was paying close attention. It had hurt when Nick and Hank stopped trusting him long before (and he didn't try to convince himself that anything had changed; the detectives still saw him as a threat and were careful about what they shared with him) and it hurt to lose that trust again with Wu. It was ironic since Sean had gone most of his life not trusting anyone. Maybe he should have stayed on that path.

He doesn't even know where his own daughter is. He would if he hadn't given her to Kelly Burkhardt. He would never have done that if he had known how painful it would be to reach this point and not know if Diana was safe and happy. He hopes more than anything that his daughter is happy.  He doubts that he will ever see her again.

He had never really believed in an afterlife before, but now knowing that there is one is terrifying. _It_ will no doubt be there waiting for him, along with things far worse. He's changed for the better but he fears that it doesn't make up for all of the bad that he's done. Logically he thinks that if there is a heaven and a hell, _it_ was surely in hell and therefore he had gone to hell when he died. Otherwise _it_ wouldn't have been able to come back when Elizabeth brought him back to life. He's never been particularly religious but he doesn't want to spend eternity in hell when he dies, and if that's where he went the first time then that's where he is going to go. He'll never see any of the people he loves and cares for again because they are all good people, and good people don't end up in the same place as _it_.

_I don't want to die._

“Captain?”

The word sounds so very far away but Sean knows that it is Nick's voice he heard. He wants to say something back, open his eyes or reach out and find Nick but he's too far gone and the effort is too much. He does register that he isn't breathing and he manages to draw in a breath just as the feeling of suffocation starts.

“That's it, just breath. An ambulance is on the way. Stay with me.”

“I found some towels,” Hank's voice says.

Sean wonders why Hank would need towels. He still doesn't know what is going on outside of his own mind but he's glad to know Nick and Hank are there with him.

“He's breathing,” Nick says, sounding relieved. Then there are sirens and a lot of jumbled up sounds and voices and Sean is scared. Scared and cold and feeling as though his mind and his body are two separate things that have parted company with each other. He's felt this before, when he was shot by Weston Steward.

 _I don't want to die_.

“You're not going to die, do you hear me?” Nick's voice asks, and this time pure terror gives Sean the strength to open his eyes enough to see that he's inside something with equipment and a mask is blocking his vision.

“Don't do that, just lie still,” an unfamiliar voice says, and someone is holding his wrist, stopping him from removing whatever is on his face and Sean is relieved that he can feel the warm hand on his skin because feeling something means that he isn't dead.

“You're going to be ok, just hang on,” Nick says, looking so devastated that Sean wonders what he has done.

Finally his mind comes to the conclusion that he is in an ambulance. He isn't sure why he's in an ambulance but something must have happened to put him there and judging by Nick's look, he needs to revise his previous thought.

He isn't dead _yet_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it makes sense as to why Sean's thoughts were just sort of rambling on at the beginning :)


	2. Chapter 2

He must have forgotten to breath because he thinks he hears Nick telling him to breath. Then he is being drug back into the darkness, his eyes closing without his permission. Even the sounds and voices fade away. He is the only person that exists in this universe and that breaks his heart because he doesn't want to be alone.

It's so dark, absolute blackness, but he can just barely make out a light. There is no way for him to go towards the light since he seems to be lacking a body; he is just a single consciousness in the universe. If that is really the case then this universe is of his own creation so the light should come to him.

Apparently the light has other ideas and does not move. _Probably nothing to see there anyway._

“Sean, please, come back!” he hears Henrietta cry out. They are the last words that he heard her say when he stormed out, angry that she couldn't fix him. He wonders if Juliette felt the same way. Henrietta is dead, he knows that she is dead and he doesn't want to be dead so he tries to ignore her voice but it keeps up, over and over and over with the same thing.

“I'm sorry!” he cries out, because he truly is and he wishes more than anything that he had not gone to her for help. Maybe then she would still be alive.

He hears no reply, so he struggles to open his eyes and see if the world outside of himself still exists.

“He's waking up,” a voice says. The voice sounds upset, like waking up is a bad thing.

The blackness becomes even more black and silent and Sean is just a single thought floating through the universe. _It_ isn't with him, so at least there's that.

_I don't want to die._

He thinks about the things he regrets and finds that most of them involved Detective Nick Burkhardt. He wishes that he had told Nick the truth sooner, and that he had never tried to kill Marie Kessler or stolen the key. He wishes that he would have told a certain young detective just how attractive he was back when one of them could have easily transfered to a different precinct. He wishes he could have the chance to at least tell Nick his feelings. He'd rather know that Nick doesn't feel anything for him than wonder if they could have been happy together.

He isn't even sure he knows what it is to be happy, but he'd like the chance to find out. He wishes more than anything to find out.

_If wishes were horses then all men would ride._

He starts to see colors, flashing in random patterns like fireworks. It doesn't make sense but at least it is something to focus on. That and the sounds which seem so muffled but at least they are there.

“Come on, Captain, wake up,” Nick's voice says suddenly.

Nick sounds so close and it startles him. His eyes open easily and it takes a moment to realize that he is no longer in the darkness as Nick's face hovers close to his own. More importantly, he isn't dead. He hopes he isn't dead because if he is, Nick is dead too, and he really doesn't want Nick to be dead. There's no reason for Nick to be dead.

“Burk--” That is all Sean manages to get out before it feels like his throat seizes up and god, it hurts.

“Don't try to talk just yet,” a female voice says, unfamiliar but soothing. A cup is being pressed to his lips as the voice coaxes him to take a sip of the liquid within.

It feels cool against his throat and he swallows gratefully. A few more sips and the cup is pulled away. “Nick?” he manages to whisper this time.

“Yeah, I'm here. You gave us all quite a scare.”

“What happened?” His voice is a little bit stronger this time but still barely above a whisper.

“There's plenty of time for me to tell you about that after the doctor checks you out.”

Nick steps back and Sean notices the doctor entering the room. He doesn't recognize the man and turns his head to find the woman who gave him the water. She is just as unfamiliar to him as the doctor but he feels more comfortable with her presence than with the man's. It doesn't make any sense to him; his thoughts are still jumbled and unclear but he at least recognizes that he isn't thinking straight at the moment.

“I'll go grab some coffee,” Nick says, going towards the door.

“No, please,” Sean says, panicking and not even knowing why Nick leaving makes him feel so scared.

“You are welcome to stay, Detective,” the doctor says.

Sean feels so much better knowing that they aren't going to make Nick leave. He had enough of being alone and thinking about his regrets. He doesn't want any more regrets.

“I'll stay then.”

Nick sits in the plastic visitors chair and holds Sean's hand, and Sean feels his body relax. Nick is there with him, and that is all that matters. He'll get the chance to tell Nick how he feels and finally know instead of wondering what could be.

“I just want to check where you were stabbed and be sure the stitches are holding,” the doctor says as he pulls the sheet down and Sean's gown up on one side.

“I was stabbed?”

“Your detective can fill you in on that. Everything looks fine so you should be able to go home tomorrow. I'll check on you again later but Elaine will take care of you.”

The doctor leaves and Sean realizes that the woman who must be Elaine has left the room while the doctor was checking him. She returns seconds after the doctor leaves, carrying a blanket in her arms.

With Nick's helps she covers him with the blanket, pulling it up to his shoulders. It is warm, like it just came out of a dryer, and Sean hadn't realized he was cold until he felt the warmth of the blanket.

“I'll take out the IV and then let you go back to sleep,” she says softly as she gets the hand that Nick isn't holding out from under the blanket.

It is a painless process although the sight of his blood welling up when the needle is removed causes a moment of fear. It only lasts a second and then the blood is wiped away and a bandage is applied, preventing any more of his blood from leaving his body. He can remember the warm feeling of his blood pooling beneath him.

“If you need anything, just press the call button. I'll check on you in a bit.”

Then the blanket is again covering all of him and Nick is holding his hand beneath the blanket.

_Nick is holding my hand._

He doesn't want to sleep and fights to stay awake. “Tell me what happened,” he says.

“One of your few neighbors reported suspicious activity at your house. Hank and I got there and found you on the floor just inside your front door, bleeding. Luckily your neighbor got the license plate of a car that left your house and Wu arrested the owner of said car, a guy named Yoshiya Konishi from Seattle. You know him?”

“I do.” Yoshiya was a kawauso, an otter wesen but Sean's interest had been not in the man's wesen side but in his skills as a chef. No one made better unagi and he had been thrilled that the man was going to open a restaurant in Portland.

“He stabbed you with a knife that had just been used to cut a pufferfish.”

 _Oh yeah, there was that little matter._ “I caught him illegally preparing fugu in his restaurant. I told him that I wouldn't stand for him risking the lives of his customers and that he needed to stop selling it. He showed up at my house...I don't know how he found out where I live.”

“The knife he stabbed you with had a trace of tetrodotoxin on it. You stopped breathing on the way to the hospital. I think it was your zauberbiest half that saved you. The doctors still can't explain how the toxin left your body so quickly but since you're breathing and your heart is beating on its own, they say you can go home tomorrow.”

“I thought we had better health insurance than that.” He isn't sure why he says that, but it seems that the hospital would want to keep someone who nearly died for a while longer if the insurance was willing to pay for it.

Nick laughs at that, and the sound lifts Sean's spirits some. “You really should get some rest. I'll leave you--”

“No, please don't go.” The words sound desperate even to his own ears but he doesn't care. “I was alone in the dark before. Stay with me.”

“Shh, it's all right. I'll be right here.” Nick remains in the chair and Sean can feel the detective's hand firmly gripping his own.

“Thank you,” he whispers, eyes closing as the little energy he had is now drained.

“You don't ever have be alone again. I'll be here as long as you'll let me be.”

_Forever. I want you here forever._

* * *

He is never alone and he is grateful for it. When Nick leaves to get some sleep, Rosalee appears at his bedside. She is such a gentle soul but Sean suspects that she would tear to shreds anyone who threatens her family. He's already seen that side of her when Monroe was taken by the Wesenrein. He wishes someone would feel protective of him but he is meant to be the protector, not the protected.

Hanks comes by for a while and the two of them just sit in silence. It is a comfortable silence and makes Sean realize just how long he has known the older detective. “Any progress on finding the fourth ex-Mrs. Griffin?” he asks, causing Hank to laugh.

“I think I'll stay single. Any woman who could handle this life deserves better than this life, you know?”

“I do,” Sean agrees, though it makes him sad. Hank is a good man who should have someone in his life to make him happy.

Wu stops by but doesn't stay long. He's on duty but had to take a report from one of the ER doctors about someone trying to steal narcotics. As long as he was there he wanted to come and see for himself that the captain was still alive.

Adalind's visit is quite a surprise but he knows that she really has changed since taking the suppresant.

“Bud's wife is watching Kelly for a bit,” she explains as she sits in the plastic chair.

“Do you think we'll ever see Diana again?” he asks.

“I can't let myself think about not seeing her again.”

“I do love her.”

“I know you do.” She puts her hand on his and he wonders how different things might have turned out if only he had seen her as something other than a means to an end.

There's no point in thinking about that now, he decides. The bridge has already been burned. Still, it means a lot to him that she is there.

“Nick, everything ok?” Adalind asks, rousing Sean from the sleep he hadn't realized he'd fallen into.

“I just wanted to get back here, make sure everything is ok.”

“I'll leave you two then.” Adalind picks up her purse, standing and kissing Sean's cheek before leaving.

He can tell that everything is not fine with Nick. The detective looks more worn out than he did when he left the hospital. Sean isn't even sure what time it is. “What's wrong?”

“I did try to get some sleep but every time I closed my eyes I felt like I was losing you again so I had to come back and make sure you were all right.”

“I'm checking myself out of here.”

“Wait, what?”

“When I thought I was going to die, I realized how many things I wished I had said and done. I want to go home and start crossing some of those things off my list. If you aren't going to get some sleep, you can take me home so I can get started.”

“You can't just leave whenever you want.”

“It's called leaving against medical advice. I can do it and I am. Find my clothes so I can get dressed.”


	3. Chapter 3

Sean knows that he should have stayed in the hospital. He feels as though the world is spinning off-kilter and there is a slight tingling sensation beneath the bandages where he was stabbed which would seem to indicate a tiny bit of tetradotoxin was still hanging around. Or maybe there was something other than the poison from the fugu. There are several things Wesen that wouldn't show up on a blood test until someone knew to test for them.

“You alright?” Nick asks when Sean just sits in the Land Cruiser, making no attempt to even undo his seat belt now that they have come to a stop in Sean's driveway. “You should have stayed another day.”

“I'll be fine.” He manages the seat belt, gets the car door open and realizes that he doesn't have the key to his house door.

“It's ok, I've got it." Nick holds the key up and smiles. “Hank dropped it off after they were done processing your house and locking up. Are you sure you're ready for this?”

“Of course. I just want to take a shower and drop into bed so you don't have to stay.” _But I really want you to stay. Please stay._

“I think I'll stick around for a while. The doctor was very upset about you signing out against medical advice.”

“He was going to release me tomorrow anyway. “

“You should be starving so what do you feel like eating? I'll go out and pick up food so it's here in case you decide you want to eat before going to sleep.”

“Do you like French food?”

“Sure. I've only had it once but--”

“There's a place a few miles from here that does take out.” He follows Nick through the door, feeling strange about being let into his own house by someone else. “Who cleaned up?” he asks when he sees that there is no blood on the floor leading to the door.

“I called in a service. Apparently there are cleaning services that specialize in crime scene clean up.”

“Thanks. Let me know what it cost and I'll--”

“Food. We were discussing food.”

“Right.” He chuckles a bit because it seems so typical Nick to turn the conversation back to something more pleasant than how his blood was removed. “I'll call in an order and you can go pick it up. Deal?”

 

* * *

 

He's genuinely hungry by the time he comes down from his shower. Nick is in the kitchen taking containers out of several bags.

“They seem to really like you at that restaurant,” Nick remarks, smirking.

“Looks like they gave you more than what I ordered.”

“Josephine, the girl at the counter, said that all of them at the restaurant had heard that you were taken to the hospital and decided to send me home with some of your favorites. Apparently the French do comfort food.”

 _They do indeed_ , Sean thinks as he takes one of the containers and opens it. “Gratin Dauphinois.” The smell was incredible and he nearly grabs a fork and eats it directly from the container. Instead he reaches for another container labeled _Boeuf Bourguignon_. “Did she give you any of what I ordered?”

“I think that would be this one.” Nick pushes a container that has _Hachis Permentier_ written on the top. “There's also a cheese souffle. I don't know how we're going to eat all this food.”

“I'm sure what we don't eat can go into the refrigerator and be reheated. I'll get plates and silverware.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Hungry.” He puts plates on the table and goes to get silverware from the drawer. “What do you want to drink?”

“Water's fine.”

“One does not eat fine French food with water.”

“I'm pretty sure one does when one just ignored his doctors and checked himself out of the hospital.”

He knows that Nick is right about the wine and brings two glasses of water to the table. The food is excellent and Sean is glad that the staff at _La Petit Port_ _e_ knew him so well.

A few hours later the remains of dinner are packed away in the refrigerator. Nick is sitting on the sofa beside Sean, and they have been trading tales of their respective childhoods. Now Sean knows that he was fortunate to have his mother in his life when he was growing up even if his family was hunting them.

The conversation eventually turns to silence and Sean feels like he could fall asleep where is sitting. He does fall asleep apparently because his body jerks awake.

“Maybe it's time you went to bed and got some sleep.”

“I'm sure you want to get home to Adalind and your son too. I'll be fine if you want to go.”

“I don't. Adalind knows where I am and I told her that I'd probably be staying the night here.”

“You don't have to do that.”

“I know I don't have to. I want to. When I thought you were going to die, all I could think about was all the things that I wished I had said to you. I swore to you that if you would just survive, I would tell you how I really feel and not waste any more time. I know you feel something for me or you wouldn't have asked me to stay at the hospital.”

“I love you.” Sean holds his breath and closes his eyes, afraid of how Nick will react despite the words that the Grimm has just said. Instead of words or footsteps or doors slamming shut, he feels a hand gently caressing his face.

“Captain...Sean, look at me.”

The words are so soft, the hand against his cheek so warm and gentle, and he hopes that he is doing the right thing when he opens his eyes. Nick doesn't look disgusted or repulsed or even surprised.

“I love you too. I have for a long time. I think we've lost enough time to acting the way we think people expect us to. To hell with what anyone else thinks. We deserve some happiness. You especially deserve some happiness. You can talk to me about anything.”

“I thought if I died, Jack would be waiting for me.”

“Let's get settled in bed and then we'll talk about it.”

“You want to go to bed with me?”

“I'll still respect you in the morning, I swear.”

Sean can't help laughing at that. “As long as you'll still respect me.”

“It's good to see you laugh.”

“It feels good to laugh,” he admits.

“I'll work on my comedy routine then.”

Sean wonders how this happened and if he should send a thank you card to Yoshiya Konishi. It makes him a little sad to think that he is only getting a chance for happiness now because he was stabbed, but his mother often told him that it didn't matter what route he took so long as it took him where he needed to go. He is almost afraid to believe that Nick is there, and that Nick wants him. He doesn't believe it is real, but he moves with Nick up the stairs to his bedroom.

Maybe he is still in his home, lying in a pool of his own blood, and his dying mind has constructed all of this. If this is dying, he'll take it because it's better than being alive and alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There may be a fourth chapter posted as an epilogue.


	4. Epilogue

Sean opens his eyes to filtered sunlight coming through his bedroom window. He must have forgotten to close the drapes the night before, which is not uncommon when he ends up spending long hours at work. He guesses that it must be close to noon, but he's unwilling to reach for his phone and confirm the time.

He hears two sets of footsteps run up the stairs and then someone is giggling outside the bedroom door which is all the confirmation he needs that it is around noon.

“No rest for the wicked,” Nick mumbles from beside Sean.

“And which of us is the wicked one?” he teases.

“I believe we agreed to take turns.”

Getting out of bed and giving up the warmth of Nick's body doesn't appeal to him but he knows that sooner rather than later he will have to. It is sooner than he thought as there is a soft knock on the door.

“I hope you two are awake because the monsters are getting restless,” Adalind says in a joking tone from the other side.

“Monsters? I don't recall us having any monsters in this house. Send them in here,” Sean says loudly. He is rewarded with the sound of giggling again.

“All right, but you're on your own. They look pretty scary.”

The door opens and he finds himself under attack from the ‘monsters’.

“Happy Birthday Daddy!” Diana says, hugging him and pinning him down with her weight on the comforter.

“Happy Birthday Uncle Sean,” Kelly says, not quite as loudly but the smile on the boy's face is huge. Nick has to help his son into the bed but then the two children are cuddling against him.

He still can't believe that he has his daughter with him, safe and sound and happy. Her rapid development finally stopped and now she appears to be about 12 though she is far younger. He owes Meisner a debt that he can never repay for reuniting him with Diana. He knows Meisner did it at least partially to win Adalind over, but in his heart he believes that Meisner just wanted to do what was right by Diana, and that was to return her to her parents.

And Kelly...Kelly sometimes looks at him as though his Uncle Sean is the greatest man ever to live, second only to Nick. Sean couldn't love Kelly more if he had been the boy's father. He's thankful that Adalind has so far been very supportive of his role as 'Uncle Sean'.

“Happy Birthday, Sean,” Adalind says from the doorway before she turns to go.

Two years. It’s been two years since he was stabbed and thought that he was going to die. Those years have flown by so fast that most of it seems a blur, but not the moments he spends with Nick and Kelly and Diana. Those moments are crystal clear in his memory: the first time Diana said “I love you, Daddy”; Kelly’s first steps; the time Kelly called Elizabeth ‘grandma’ and instead of correcting him she just hugged Kelly and said “Your grandma loves you so much!”; the first time Diana skinned her knee at the playground and ran to Sean so he could kiss it better; when he asked Nick to marry him and Nick said yes.  He had never seen himself getting married and now he had a husband and two children who made his life so much richer.

Kelly and Diana are asleep between him and Nick, and he feels content. Adalind will have left by now; that’s why she has a key to the house, so she can bring the children over and pick them up without having to wait for Sean or Nick to let her in and see her out. They have a shared trust and understanding.

He no longer thinks about _it_ that often. It is as though nearly dying a second time severed the final thread that had connected him from the thing they called Jack. The nightmares, the voices, and the guilt had finally faded away.  Now when he looks around him, he doesn’t fear death. He is still going to do his damnedest to avoid it for as long as possible, but he doesn’t fear it. He is surrounded by too much love; there is no room left for fear.


End file.
